Nobody Cares About The Winter Olympics

Happy Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony--Now, Let's Burn Some Shit!

2010-02-11T16:00:00.000-08:00

Which famous Canadian would you rather see accidently (or not) burned by the Olympic torch? On one hand, Keanu is a worthy choice. His versatility as an actor is second to all. His only saving grace is the first Matrix film. However, the cumulative disaster that is Matrix 2 and Maxtrix 3 is reason enough for a 3rd degree burn to the cabeza.

As for Celine Dion, do I really need to state the million reasons why seeing her running through the streets of Vancouver with her hair ablaze would bring us all joy?

It's a tough choice, I know, but one that is fun think about.

Thank you, I know I have crazy mad photoshop skills. Back off.

Short Film: Dead Weight

2010-01-31T20:50:00.000-08:00

Shameless self-promotion warning. Dead Weight is a short film I wrote. It's a 12 minute dark comedy, directed by Jim Francesco. If you like it, thank you. If you hate it, blame the director.

BREAKING NEWS Brett Favre to retire (again) and focus on 2014 Winter Olympics!

2010-01-25T20:15:00.001-08:00

After a crushing defeat to the New Orleans Saints on Sunday, Vikings quarterback, Brett Favre, wasted no time in deciding upon his future. And that future is the 2014 Winter Olympics. When asked what event he was going to enter, Favre replied "All of them."

Although a shocking revelation to most, those in Favre's inner-circle have known of his Winter Olympic dreams for quite sometime. He briefly considered quitting football after the 2001 season to focus on making the U.S. squad in time for the 2002 Salt Lake games.

In fact, Favre also revealed that his off-season workout regimen includes many Olympic favorites like Alpine Skiing, the Nordic Combined, and Figure Skating. He told reporters, "I look badass in a spandex body suit." When one reporter smirked at the comment, Favre grabbed an ice skate from his locker and stabbed him in the face.

Favre refused to answer any more questions, but with his football legacy already sealed, Favre said he owes it to his fans "to be known for something other than throwing 4th quarter, season-ending interceptions."

For a man who's retired from football a couple times, starred in films with Ben Stiller, and is an avid wearer of Wranger brand denim jeans, this doesn't seem like such a far-fetched idea. Rather, it's just another notch on the bedpost for the modern day Renaissance man that is Brett Favre.

Little whores in training, one pageant at a time.

2010-01-20T22:18:00.000-08:00

Toddlers and Tiaras. Part documentary, part the scariest thing I've ever seen. If you haven't seen this show, stop what you're doing, google it, and watch a couple clips on YouTube.

In a nutshell, the show follows trashy parents who force their 4 year old daughters into beauty pageants. The parents spend thousands of dollars on glittery dresses, shoes, make-up, and entrance fees in the hopes their child will win a few hundred dollars and a trophy. It's nothing more than parents (mainly moms) attempting to live vicariously through their children.

I won't admit to watching this show, I just happen to be in the same room when my wife watches.

Curling: It's what the Wiccan do on weekends

2010-01-17T20:34:00.000-08:00

Pop Quiz!

Curling was invented:

A) In 1872 by a rebel sect of the CSF (Canadian Shuffleboard Federation) who thought shuffleboard was for pussies.
B) In the 1500's by a group of drunk Scottish men who pushed stones across a frozen lake to pass time, as they slowly died of hypothermia.
C) By Alaskan Wiccan witches in 1904 as they tried to explain to authorities why they always carried broomsticks. These quick-thinking Wiccans made up the rules of Curling on the fly, but it was to no avail as they were beheaded the following day. It's unknown if they were beheaded for witchcraft or inventing the world's lamest sport.
D) Nobody invented Curling, it has always been and shall always be.

Answer below....

"B" is the correct answer. For a sport that's over 500 years old, it surprisingly just made it's Olympic debut in 1998. Kinda of makes me wonder if the Olympic committee thinks Curling blows too.

Hating on the Winter Olympics feels almost as good as Hating on Canada

2010-01-14T21:57:00.000-08:00

February 12th is the big day! Have you planned your Winter Olympics opening ceremony party yet? There's nothing like getting together with the guys to fire up the bbq, drink a few beers and show off your new black velvet shirt with sequin accents and frilly cuffs.

NBC paid more than $800 million for the rights to televise the 2010 Winter Olympics and it was just announced they expect to lose over $200 million on it. To put that into perspective, it would take more than 6 years to count to 200,000,000--and that's without sleeping.

D'ya know what kind of sports people play during the winter? Indoor ones. That's why the Winter Olympics is the stupidest thing ever invented.* Even NASCAR shuts down for the winter, and if you can't get a bunch of drunk rednecks to watch cars drive around in circles for five hours, then you know it's too cold.

Join me on this blog as I bring you breaking news, subjective analysis, and biting commentary about the 2010 Winter Olympics. I'll also throw in some non-Olympic related posts when I feel like it. It's guaranteed to be more exciting than the Cross Country Skiing Gold Medal round.

If his inaugural blog posting has left you feeling a bit disappointed and unsatisfied, don't worry, there's plenty more where that came from.

*Yes, I'm well aware that the Winter Olympics isn't technically an invention. Piss off.